JERUSALEM/ISTANBUL

Five Israeli soldiers recently shared harrowing accounts with the local newspaper Haaretz revealing the harsh psychological toll and pervasive fear gripping troops during the ongoing Gaza genocide, their testimonies contrasting sharply with the official military narrative.

Twenty-year-old Or, a paratrooper reconnaissance soldier, recounted approaching the ruins of a home in Khan Younis targeted by Israeli airstrikes.

“In the debris – what was once walls – we suddenly found five, maybe six bodies. There were flies everywhere, and I think dogs had torn at the flesh. There was barely anything left,” he said.

“Two of them were small children – I saw their bones. It was horrible, unforgettable, something that still haunts my nights,” he added.

“I remember the smell – it took over my body, clung to my clothes. Even after I sprayed myself with deodorant nonstop that night, it wouldn't leave me,” Or said.

He was redeployed to the Gaza border days later without a set return date.

“We packed the gear and loaded it up quickly onto the Humvees that took us back in. I wanted to jump off. I wanted to run – but I didn't have the guts,” he added.

Or described enduring “another week of explosions. Another week of socks glued to my skin, of heat I can't even describe. A living nightmare. I just want it to be over already – please.”

-‘Severe physical and psychological strain’

Haaretz noted that most soldiers declined to share their stories, but the five who did asked one thing: “You sent us to war – now listen to what we have to say.”

The testimonies depicted soldiers suffering “mounting exhaustion, severe physical and psychological strain, and a constant fear that they'll be the next to have their names released as fallen.”

Yonatan, 21, from the Kfir Brigade, described his experience in Jabalia in northern Gaza last November.

“During the day, the heat was unbearable. At night, we froze. Sand and dust clung constantly to my skin. We hardly saw any people, just dogs roaming everywhere.”

“Our company commander warned us that anyone who so much as petted them would face a court-martial and end up in jail. But I didn't care. When no one was looking, I'd sneak them slices of sausage.”

Yonatan recalled the deputy commander shooting at the dogs, calling them “terrorist dogs, probably rabid,” and insisting they learn not to approach them.

His most traumatic memory came days later, during a house-clearing mission.

“The next morning, we were sent on another house-clearing mission. We scanned the building with a drone and didn't see anything, so we went in. Two minutes later, there was an explosion. The blast threw me through the air, and I couldn't understand what had happened,” he said.

“Suddenly, I realized my mouth was full of blood. I thought I was wounded, but I wasn't – it was the blood of my best friend in the unit. He kept calling my name, begging me to help, but I didn't know what to do. I froze.”

Medics evacuated his comrade, but Yonatan struggled with insomnia and loss of appetite for days, saying “everything tasted like blood.”

-‘All of us have wills saved in our phones’

Omer, 21, from the Givati Brigade, said soldiers initially felt euphoric preparing to enter Gaza after the Oct. 7, 2023 attack on Israel by the Palestinian group Hamas.

“Now it just seems so stupid to me. I've lost track of how many people I knew who've been killed – from my battalion, my brigade, my school, my neighborhood. I don't have the strength to hear about one more. It breaks me.”

He criticized the command’s negligence, citing deaths from a lack of ammunition to clear buildings before troops entered, often blamed on roadside explosive devices in media reports.

“It feels like no one cares. How many more friends do I have to bury before people wake up?” Omer said. “All of us have wills saved in our phones – in the notes app. Sometimes at night, we talk about what our funerals will be like, try to guess how many people will come, if our ex will cry.”

Yair, 21, from the Nahal Reconnaissance Unit, described the overwhelming hardship soldiers face.

“Do you know what it’s like to walk around for days with a ceramic vest glued to your back? What it means not to take off your boots for 10 days straight? To lie in the dirt covering your team and not be able to keep your eyes open?”

He said stress caused his hair to fall out, yet he forbids himself to cry.

“I'm lucky compared to others. One of our squads was completely wiped out. I'm alive. I wasn't hit by a missile or an explosive device,” he said.

“But still, it's hard. I don't know if I'll ever recover. I just want everything to be normal again – like it used to be.”

Loss of belief in war

Twenty-two-year-old Uri from the engineering unit Yahalom said he lost belief in the war.

“At some point, I just stopped believing in what we're doing. During the first year, I was all in – totally committed to every mission. I really believed we were part of something historic, that we were protecting Israeli civilians, that we were helping to rescue the hostages.

“But little by little, I started to doubt it. After you hear about another hostage killed because of an airstrike, after you attend yet another funeral for a friend – it just starts to fade,” he added.

He said he can no longer perform missions, re-enter familiar areas, inspect tunnels, or enter potentially booby-trapped buildings.

“Anyone with half a brain can see this war is continuing for political reasons. There's no reason to keep going. We're not achieving anything – we're just risking our lives over and over again.”

Israeli opposition parties accuse Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu of prolonging the war in Gaza to maintain political power and appease his far-right coalition partners.

Addressing Netanyahu, Uri said: “When will you understand that it's time to end this? When there are 900 dead? A thousand? Please – stop.”

The Israeli army, despite international calls for a ceasefire, has pursued a genocidal war on the Gaza Strip, killing more than 57,100 Palestinians, most of them women and children, since October 2023.

Last November, the International Criminal Court issued arrest warrants for Netanyahu and his former Defense Minister Yoav Gallant for war crimes and crimes against humanity in Gaza.

Israel also faces a genocide case at the International Court of Justice for its war on the enclave.