ANKARA
A real apology requires not only taking responsibility but inner balance and true repairment of relations for both sides, which leads to stronger communication, personal growth and more understanding between parties, according to a Turkish psychologist.
With the world going through harsh times with all its conflicts and wars, Anadolu wanted to find out how to make things better between two opposing sides by talking with a professional about the power of a real apology.
Duygu Senem Kanber, a psychologist in the Turkish capital of Ankara, told Anadolu it takes deep meanings and emotions for an apology to be real instead of just powerful words.
Real apology
Apologizing is based on understanding and accepting the feelings of the other party, said the Turkish expert.
“While this means sharing the negative feelings experienced by the other party, it also requires the courage to take on the consequences of our actions and take responsibility,” she said.
Understanding what the other side might be feeling is a step forward to improving the ability to empathize, which helps people to deeply understand and analyze their actions and the consequences, she said.
Kanber said the action helps us move forward on the path of becoming a better person by learning from our mistakes and accepting our deficiencies, which “is the most important indicator of maturity and personal growth.”
It is also the implication of respect and leniency. “Showing respect to each other and accepting our mistakes are the cornerstones of a harmonious society,” she said. “Apologizing starts an internal process of balance and repair.”
“It relieves the emotional burden of both ourselves and the other party,” she said, emphasizing that an apology made with sincerity also strengthens emotional ties.
For both sides, a real apology means an internal balance and the repair of relationships. “It strengthens communication, supports personal development, and helps people to approach each other more understandingly,” said Kanber.
How to take action, what to avoid
Kanber said sentences such as: “My life is not going well because I put you through this”, “I’m sorry if I offended you” or “What is done is done” are not sincere.
She described those comments t as “unsatisfying,” and said they are not considered an apology.
“We can offer a real apology by taking the offense individually, accepting responsibility, describing the harm caused, clearly stating the facts, without blaming the person we victimized, without playing a role, as an interlocutor with the victim and as a reformer,” she said.
To apologize is to take responsibility, to promise that it will not happen again and offer to repair the damage, said Kanber.
“It not only means to assume responsibility but also an indicator of the guilty person's self-confidence, the offender's self-judgment, and a conscientious accounting,” she said.
“Why do apologies that are easily begged when you spill coffee on someone else on the street or step on their foot seem difficult when people damage someone else's life, usurp their right, and create material or spiritual destruction?”
Power of apology for both sides
Apologizing has significantly meaningful impacts on the guilty and the victimized, said Kanber.
She pointed out that when we admit that we are mistaken and apologize, we can increase our self-esteem and self-confidence.
“Revealing ourselves and accepting our inadequacies is a sign of solid self-esteem,” she said.
A real apology might help the person who is asking for it to relieve negative emotions and tension inside.
“It can help repair wounds in relationships and strengthen communication,” regarding the sake of the relations, she said.
Meanwhile, when a person receiving an apology sees that the apologist is sincerely remorseful, he can use the ability of tolerance and forgiveness, which relieves the emotional burden, she said.
In addition, when he realizes the empathy and sincerity of the apologist, he can engage in an internal repair process, noted Kanber.
She said it can reduce the amount or power of negative emotions.
A real apology can increase the confidence of the person being apologized to, said Kanber. “When the person who apologizes admits their mistakes and takes responsibility, they can increase the trust in the other person.”
Moreover, when those who were victimized feel the sincerity of the other side, communication can proceed more openly and intimately, she said.
“The person being apologized to can experience an inner feeling of relief by showing forgiveness and tolerance,” said Kanber.
